


Godstiel

by Castielgirl



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Castiel as God, Depression, F/M, Forced Pregnancy, Insanity, Rape/Non-con Elements, Torture, attempted suicide
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-21
Updated: 2016-03-05
Packaged: 2018-05-22 10:56:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 9
Words: 8,352
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6076707
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Castielgirl/pseuds/Castielgirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel has turned God and as a result takes the reader and brutally tortures and twists her until there's nothing left. Now free of the souls, he is horrified at what she's become. Can he overcome his hate and self-loathing enough to help her heal emotionally?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Castiel stood in the middle of the room, staring at them confidently. Y/N, the Winchesters and Bobby stared back in a mixture of horror and fear. Not 5 minutes ago, the Angel had snapped his fingers and oblitherated the Archangel, Raphael. Now he was threatening them.

Y/N watched as Dean tried once more to get through to their friend but she could see it was pointless. The souls within him were now corrupting him beyond reasoning and all she could hope for, was for him to find a reason to spare them. She forced herself not to flinch when his gaze turned to her. He smiled at her but it wasn't the usual kind smile he usually used but a cold superior smile.

She backed away as he walked towards her. He reached out a hand to touch her but she flinched away, her body trembling. He gently twirled a lock of her hair in his fingers for a few seconds and she felt like crying. His touch reminded her of who he once was. It was a cruel twist of fate. "You have no need to be afraid, Y/N. I promise."

She said nothing. She didn't want to provoke him. She was stunned when he bent down and tilted his head slightly so he could press his lips to hers. She was frozen. He was kissing her! Castiel was kissing her! It was a dream come true. Instinctively, she opened her mouth when she felt his tongue stroke her lips.

He immediately took advantage, pulling her hair roughly and shoving his tongue into her mouth. She moaned in pleasure as their tongues battled with each other for dominance. Castiel won. He moaned and pulled her body closer to him, his hands exploring her back and she felt him smirk into the kiss when she wrapped her arms around his neck.

They carried on for a few more moments before Castiel finally pulled back with a wet pop. Her eyes were glazed in desire as she desperately tried to remember where she was.

"You're mine, Y/N. You belong to me," he said darkly. He grabbed her arm tightly and turned to look at the others. "I hope for your sakes, this is the last time you see me."

They watched helplessly as both Y/N and Castiel vanished.


	2. Chapter 2

Y/N found herself in a motel room. Where was she? Why did Castiel take her? What was he gonna do to her? She didn't know but she doubted she wanted to find out. She headed to the door but a pair of hands grabbed her waist and pulled her back. "You're not going anywhere. You belong to me," Castiel stated in dark amusement. She shuddered at his words, trying not to think of the implication behind them.

"I don't belong to anyone," she said bravely. Castiel waved his hand and a tray appeared. A tray of......torture instruments. Her blood went cold. So he WAS going to torture her. But he said he wouldn't, in fact he promised. He dragged her over to the tray and picked up one of the instruments. She struggled against him as she caught sight of what the weapon was. It was an Angel blade. "Cas, what are you doing?" She asked nervously.

"I'm going to train you to be obedient and loyal to no one except me." He said. She struggled against him but it was hopeless. He was far stronger than she was. He threw her onto the bed and pinned her down. "There's no need to be afraid. I assure you these lessons are necessary," he soothed, stroked her cheek.

She screamed as he plunged the blade into her side and dragged it through her body. She gasped as if she were dying. Her body felt like it was on fire! She couldn't breathe! Blood drenched the once clean, white sheets below her, now staining them a crimson red. Blood coated Castiel's fingers and his blade. He pulled the blade out with a sickening wet squelching sound. She moaned in pain as she stared at the wall. But Castiel wasn't done yet. He climbed off of her enough to give him the space he required. Without a hint of remorse on his face, he stabbed her in the leg with the blade. She cried out in agony. Tears cascaded down her cheeks. "Stop....please. Stop," she begged, panting weakly.

"You will learn. This is necessary. You will learn to obey." He stated coldly.

"Dean," she whimpered. She wanted nothing more than the older Winchester to burst in and save her.

Rage filled Castiel's face and he pinned her down once more. He slapped her across the face. "Don't say that name here," he hissed. He grabbed her hair and pulled it - hard. "I think you're in need of another lesson. One that you won't ever forget. You belong to _me_ , no one else. Your body is _mine_ and so is your soul. I own you. You will learn and obey even if I have to force you," he sneered. His words terrified her. What did he mean by force? She hoped it wasn't what she was thinking.

Unfortunately, it was.

He used his powers and a moment later, he was naked and to her horror, so was she. Panicking, she squirmed away. "No!" She cried. "Not that! Please, I'll do anything you want but don't do this to me. We're friends remember, Cas? Please," she sobbed. Castiel ignored her pleas and forced her legs open. "No!" Tired of her resistance, he slapped her across the face again. She whimpered in pain. Knowing there was nothing she could do to stop it, she willed herself to drift away.  The last thing she wanted was to be aware as a person she once considered her friend, raped her.

But Castiel seemed to notice this and he slapped her once more. "No. I want you aware for this. You will take it and hopefully it will teach you to obey." She tried to look away but he refused to allow her that small amount of peace. She was forced to look at him. He positioned himself between her legs and pushed into her. She screamed at the invasion, her fingers gripping tightly onto the sheets but it didn't deter him. She could feel her body trying to reject the violation but Castiel continued to push into her. She screamed and cried the whole time. By the time he was fully seated inside her, she was sobbing quietly. The bed rocked as he began to thrust into her. At first, his thrusts were slow and shallow. He hadn't even bothered to allow her time to adjust to his size. His eyes were on hers the whole time as he took pleasure in her pain. She gasped as he thrusted harder into her, his thick member penetrating deeper than she wanted. She wasn't sure how long it lasted but it felt like forever before he grunted one last time and held himself deep inside her. Despair and hatred filled her as she felt his hot release splashing against her unprotected walls. He pulled out and climbed off of her. With a single thought, he was once again dressed. He looked down at her, surveying his work in satisfaction. 

Y/N curled in on herself. She felt dirty and used and all she wanted to do was die. Her arms wrapped around herself and she stared blankly at the wall. Castiel reached out to touch her but she moved away. "Don't fucking touch me. You raped me. How could you do that?" She yelled tearfully.

An angry look flashed across his face before it was replaced with indifference. "I am God. I can do whatever I please. You will submit to me eventually. You will come around once you see this is necessary. You are blind to what I can give you so I will make you see."

"I don't want anything from you," she whispered, not looking at him. She didn't want to see his face after what he'd just done to her.

"You will stay here. Escape is futile so don't bother. I will be back soon. I have some things to do."

Y/N didn't bother to answer and let out a sigh of relief when she heard a flutter of wings, signaling his departure. She winced in pain as she tried to get to her feet. She staggered to the bathroom and wept as she cleaned herself up.


	3. Chapter 3

Y/N was sat facing the wall. Her eyes were red and puffy from crying. She wanted to sit on the bed as it would have been more comfortable but then she remembered what had happened on it and she remembered why she refused to go near it. She was still in that position when he came back. She stiffened at the flap of wings but refused to turn around. She sensed him watching her closely and she didn't like it. "Y/N."

"What?" She snapped coldly. Right now, anger overruled fear and she was angry. Angry that he had tortured and brutalized her in such a horrific way. She didn't see his eyes darken in anger at her lack of respect towards him. By the time she realized her mistake, it was too late. She was still injured from the last time he attacked her so she was too weak to fight back when he picked her up and slammed her against the wall. "You will show me some respect, girl."

"Oh, go suck on a live wire," she sneered in disgust. "I'll show you the door before I show you any respect."

"I wish it hadn't come to this," he sighed almost wistfully. She frowned feeling uneasy.  What did he mean by that? She didn't have long to find out. He waved his hand and some rusty chains appeared. She tensed as he picked them up and strode towards her, an evil intent in his eyes. She hissed at him as he wrapped the cold chains around her arms and legs. He then pulled the chains so that her body was lifted onto the ceiling. She whined uncomfortably as her body was pulled and spread across the ceiling. She couldn't move. She was stuck. She looked down to see him staring at her. His head tilted as if she were an interesting experiment instead of a violated and abused hunter.  He turned his back on her and headed to the door.

"Wait! You can't.....just leave me....here," she called.

He stopped at the door and glanced back. "I'll be back soon. Maybe when I get back you'll be more respectful to me. Until then, you'll stay like that." Then he vanished. Tired and injured, Y/N fell unconscious.

 

 

When she next woke up, it was night. The motel room was dark and she was cold. She shivered. She was also hungry and thirsty. As if he knew this, Castiel appeared and pulled the chains down, slowly letting her down. She was too tired and weak to fight against his touch as he released her from the chains. "Are you hungry, Y/N? I have brought food. I know humans need nourishment." She didn't answer. He rummaged through a bag and pulled out a burger and chips. Just the sight of it made her stomach rumble but she hesitated, not trusting him. He held it out as if encouraging her to take it.

She slowly reached out and took the food. "Thanks," she said quickly. She picked up a chip and shoved it in her mouth. She moaned at the taste. It felt like she hadn't eaten in years. She didn't notice Castiel reaching out to touch her until she felt his hand. She instantly stiffened, attempting to pull back but he wouldn't let her. She felt a warm feeling spreading through her body and watched as her wounds slowly faded. He pulled back and waited. "Thanks," she said, not looking at him.

"I am a merciful God. I only punish those who deserve it-"

 _Merciful my ass. You weren't merciful when I begged you not to rape me. You did it anyway. You weren't merciful when you tortured me either,_ she thought bitterly. His next words grabbed her attention.

"Like the man at the church who was lying in my name. So I dealt with him."

She stared at him in horror. "You.....killed someone? Someone human?"

He nodded almost serenely. "He was lying in my name. He deserved it."

"My god. He was human and you killed him! Look at what you've turned into. You're a monster. You're killing people, not to mention you've tortured and raped me!"

The room suddenly turned cold. Without warning, he grabbed her and threw her onto her stomach onto the bed. Her top disappeared and she felt him climb onto the bed. Fear filled her. Was he going to rape her again. "You need to learn your place. Do not question your God. There is only so much I will tolerate. You will be punished for your harsh words." His voice was low and threatening. Her jaw dropped. Harsh words? Was he being serious? She felt a warm hand holding her arm down. He pulled at his belt. She began to panic. Instead of making the rest of her clothes disappear too, he took the belt in his hands and folded it. He raised his hand into the air. "I want you to count." _Count?_  He brought the belt down onto her vulnerable back. She screamed at the pain. "Count!" He ordered harshly.

"O-one."

He raised the belt again. "Again."

She screamed and thrashed but held her down. "T-two!"

The worst part was that Cas had good aim and practically hit his first mark. Her back burned in agony and she found herself trying to breath through the pain. She keep counting until she reached to 10. She knew her back was bleeding but didn't make a move to stop it. She felt herself breaking more and more as time went by.

 

 

As more time went by, depression hit her and to avoid being beaten and tortured anymore, she listened to him and did as she was told. This happened for another week before she finally snapped.

"Sam and Dean are still looking for you. Well, Dean is. Sam's not doing so well."

"Yeah, because of you!"

"I told them to stand down but they refused to listen. Now they shall suffer the consequences."

"You're evil. You're worse than Angels or Demons. You're not helping people, you're making people suffer. You're delusional if you think its merciful or just."

He held up a hand and she was thrown against the wall. She hit her head hard. Blood dripped from her forehead. He stepped closer to her and kicked her in the side and punched her. _How long is this gonna keep happening?_   She thought in despair. He clenched his hand into a fist and she began to cough up blood. "I don't understand why you feel the need to disobey me, to question me. I have been generous to you but all you do is throw it back in my face."

The pain was too much so she resorted to begging. "I'm sorry," she wailed. She blacked out and when she came to again, she was on her stomach and he was thrusting into her broken body. The pain was worse than before as he plunged in and out of her. She whimpered softly, allowing herself to drift off until he was finished. When he was done, he carried her to the bed and laid her down. It was another week before Y/N's mind snapped completely. After yet another punishment session, she withdrew further and further until her mind finally snapped. There was nothing left. She was just an empty shell of the person she used to be. She failed to respond to him at all, instead, she sat with her knees up to her chest rocking back and forth.


	4. Chapter 4

A blind man sat on the ground holding out a cup. He was begging for some change. He paused when he heard a small noise and a handful of coins was put into his cup. "Thank you kind sir."

"You are a true believer. Most think I'm an unjust God but I'm not. I only punish those that lie in my name."

He looked up in confusion. "Excuse me?"

Fingers pushed themselves to his forehead. "Open your eyes and see," Castiel commanded.

The man's eyes turned from milky white to a dark color and he look up. It was blurry at first but he didn't care. He could see! "Oh, bless you! Bless you!" He looked at his healer and his smile dimmed. "What's wrong with your face?"

Castiel touched his face and disappeared. He went back to the motel where Y/N was and walked past, ignoring her rocking form. He looked in the mirror, examining his face. He cried out in pain and pulled his shirt away. He could feel the souls trying to escape him.

"Castiel. Too late. Let us out. Let us out!" They cried menacingly.

"No." He said firmly and vanished once more.

 

 

 

Later on, he entered a building. A young man was sat nearby. Castiel wondered over to him. "Can I help you, sir?"

"I'm here to see the Senator."

"Um.....regarding?"

"Abuse of power."

The man blinked. "Excuse me?"

"I am not petty. I'm punishing a woman that causes poverty and despair in my name. I put your needs first, don't you understand?" Castiel asked desperately. He turned to the other members. "All of you. I'm a better God than my father. How can I make you understand?"  
He stopped when he heard menacing voices calling his name and started laughing maniacally. When he woke up, he was lying in blood. He was drenched in blood and his face was getting worse. He looked around the room in horror. Everyone in the room was dead. "No, no, no, no." He realized in that moment that Y/N HAD been right. He was a monster. He decided to go back to the motel. Y/N was there. She would know what to do. She'd help him.

If he only knew how wrong he was.

 

 

When he landed in the motel, he saw Y/N. She was still in the same position he'd left her in. He stepped back, sickened as he remembered the things he did to her. His heart went out to her. She was in so much pain but there was nothing he could do about it. Most of it was caused by him and the rest she was choosing to keep hidden. Her silence killed him. She had just.....stopped talking after the last time. She just....didn't respond anymore. He took a hesitant step towards her, unsure if it would cause her further damage or not. When she didn't react, he tried calling out. "Y/N?" She didn't answer. "Y/N, please. You were right and I need help." His heart sank and despair and grief overwhelmed him. She was broken. There was nothing left but an empty shell. She couldn't help him now and he sincerely doubted she would if she could. He looked around the room frantically. He was running out of time. He needed to send the souls back as soon as possible but at the same time, he couldn't leave her there. Too much damage had been done to her and he doubted she would be able to take care of herself on her own. But he couldn't take her with him either. He needed to take her somewhere safe. The hospital. Hopefully they could help her. He gently grabbed her arm. She didn't struggle or fight against him anymore. He tried to help her stand but she refused to. "Y/N, can you stand? I need you to come with me."

No answer.

"Y/N, please. Get up." He pulled her along, hoping it would get her to respond in any way. He needed to know she was still there. He was getting weaker and weaker but still she would not stand.

In the end, he had no choice but to put her arm around his neck and pick her up. He wanted her to struggle, to scream or cry again. Anything to show him she was still there and aware but she didn't. He carried her out of the room and out onto the street. He cried out and dropped her as pain hit him. His head snapped up at the sickening crack as her head hit the concrete. Blood pooled from her head and he staggered towards her.  He dropped to his knees, tears slipping down his cheeks. He lifted a shaky hand to the wound and poured everything he had left into healing her. But it still wasn't enough. He could heal her body but not her mind. He picked her up and gently stroked her hair. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry for ever doing this to you."

Unable to walk inside with the condition he was in he made the heartbreaking choice to leave her outside and watched from the shadows as a nurse took her in. He nodded in satisfaction then vanished to answer Sam's prayer. "Sam?"

"Cas?"

"I heard your call. I need help."


	5. Chapter 5

It had been 3 months since Y/N had been in the hospital. 3 months since the doctors found out she was pregnant. The staff had to force a drip into her when she refused to eat and her weight had fallen. They could tell she had some trauma. She barely reacted, never spoke or interacted with anyone else and didn't attempt to look after herself. Her injuries had been treated but the emotional damage was still there.

A nurse walked into her room with a tray. "Y/N? Can I check on the baby?" There was no answer so the nurse took that as a yes. She smiled as the baby's heartbeat showed on the monitor. "Your baby's fine, Y/N. Do you wanna see?" No answer. The nurse's smile faded and was replaced with sadness. She sighed and gave up.

Maybe next time will go better.

 

 

 

6 months had gone by and Y/N's weight had dropped dangerously. She was thin and weak and had a drip attached to her arm at all times. The doctors were really worried about her.

Elsewhere, Dean had gone looking for a man named Emmanuel. Apparently the man was a healer and he needed him to save Sam. There was still no sign of Y/N but Dean never gave up hope she was still alive. Bobby was dead and he was left alone. When he got there, he knocked on the door. A man answered. "Hi, um is this Daphne Allen's house?"

"Yes."

"I'm lookin for Emmanuel."

"Well, you found him. Daphne's resting if you don't mind." He stepped out and closed the door.

"Yeah, of course. Sure. Um, so I was hoping.....um." His gaze turned to the window and he saw a woman with short hair bound and gagged to a chair. He sighed internally. He turned back to the man who's eyes had turned black.

The Demon grabbed him and threw him against the door. "You were saying, Dean."

"Don't you guys have a no touching policy? Or didn't you get the memo?"

The Demon laughed. "Oh please. What have you done for him lately? I don't see Roman's head on a plate. Whatever Emmanuel is, Crowley's gonna want him. A lot more than he wants you, so....."

"Too bad cause Crowley can kiss my damn ass! And if that's the case then I have no problem with killing you," Dean snarled. He stabbed the Demon in the chest and threw his body down the steps. The body fell at someone's feet and Dean did a double take when he saw the man's face.

It was Castiel.

"What was that?"

Dean could only stare in shock. He watched as Castiel walked into the house and freed Daphne from her binds.

"That creature hurt you."

"I'm okay but they were looking for you." He turned to Dean. "I'm Emmanuel."

"Dean. I'm Dean."

"Thank you for protecting my wife."

Dean froze. Wife? Was he serious? And where was Y/N? The last time he saw her, Castiel had taken her. So where was she?

"I saw his real face."

"He was a Demon."

"A Demon walked the Earth?"

"Demons? There's loads of them. You don't know....."

"Emmanuel has special gifts," Daphne said.

Dean wanted to roll his eyes and spit out some rude remark to her like, 'Nah ya don't say' or something like that but he refrained. "I hear you.....help people?"

"I seem to help to a certain degree. What's your issue?"

"My brother is in hospital and my friend is missing."

"So your wife?"

"She found me months ago floating in the river. I was drenched, confused and unclothed. She said God wanted her to find me."

Dean scoffed. "So what's up with the name?"

"Bouncybabynames.com," he replied.

"Works for you. Must be hard not knowing who you are. What if you were.....bad?"

Castiel frowned. "Sometimes I feel bad, like I did something evil, something wrong to someone I cared about. But I can't remember."

Dean frowned. Was he talking about them or Y/N? He wasn't sure and he didn't like it. It would explain why he couldn't find her.

"So your brother-"

"Sam."

"What's his diagnosis?"

"It's not exactly medical."

"That's fine," Castiel interrupted. "I can cure illness of spiritual origin." He hesitated before continuing. "And your friend? The one who went missing?"

"A friend kidnapped her. I haven't seen her since. Don't know if she's okay. Hell, I dunno if she's even alive."

"You're angry."

"Obviously. Someone broke my brothers head and then kidnapped my friend!" He snapped.

"He betrayed you? This dude. He was a friend?"

"He's gone now."

"Did you kill him? I sense you kill a lot of people."

"No. I dunno if he's dead but I used to be able to shake this crap off but what Cas did.....I dunno. I dunno why."

"It doesn't matter why."

"Course it matters!"

"No. You're not a machine, Dean. Your human. Your friend's name was Cas? That's an odd name. What was your other friend's name? The girl?"

"Y/N. Her name was Y/N."

Y/N. That name seemed familiar to Emmanuel but he couldn't place it. It seemed important, like it meant something to him but he just couldn't remember.

They stopped at a gas station. Dean went inside and was attacked by Demons. He was on the floor about to get stabbed when a knife pierced through his chest. The Demon dropped and Dean was surprised to see Meg.

"Meg?"

"Dean, Dean, Dean. You've got some 'splaining to do."


	6. Chapter 6

After explaining to Meg about Castiel, he told her to keep her mouth shut about the Angels identity. "He doesn't know and you're gonna keep your mouth shut."

"Oh am I? Ya know, I've been watching you for hours so here's the deal. You might remember Crowley and me were frosty back in the day? Well, times haven't changed."

"Good."

"That hurts," she sneered. "I've been good to you, Dean."

"No, you've been good to you."

She rolled her eyes. "Right, whatever. Anyway, picture Crowley with poor little amnesiac Cas. Don't get me wrong, I'm gonna kill that swarmy dick bit right now my army of one situation isn't cutting it. It's cold out here and I have a price on my ass. I need friends."

"Which I ain't."

"That's where you're wrong. I'm here to help and that makes us friends."

Dean thought for a moment. There was only one thing he needed and he knew she could do it. "I help you then you gotta do something for me."

"What?"

"Find, Y/N."

"Y/N? Why, did you leave her somewhere?" She asked sarcastically.

"The last time I saw her, Godstiel had her. You find her and I'll help your ass."

"Deal."

They left the shop and headed back to Emmanuel who was waiting against the car. "Her face! She's one   
of-"

"Relax, we come in different flavors."

"She's uh, a friend."

Meg stepped closer to Castiel. "Meg. We go way back. Dean and me. Just met you but I think we're gonna be good friends too."

"Can we go now?" 

 

 

 

A few hours later, Dean and Castiel got out of the car. Meg had disappeared to find Y/N some time ago.

"Oh gracious."

"Demons? All of them?"

"How many of those knives do you have?"

"Just the one."

"Then forgive me but what do we do?" Dean sighed angrily. He had no choice but to tell him the truth. Castiel's eyes narrowed. "I get the feeling you know more about me than your letting on? Do we know each other?"

"Yes, okay? We know each other. Your an Angel. It's a species and it's why you can heal and do the things you do."

"Why wouldn't you tell me? Being an Angel.....it sounds pleasant."

"It's not. It's bloody and corrupt. It's not pleasant."

Castiel's eyes widened as he connected the dots. "Am I Cas?" There was silence. "I'm sorry but I don't remember you." Another thought hit him. "Am I.....am I the one who took your friend? Y/N?"

Dean nodded grimly. "You can  kill every Demon down there."

"But I don't remember how. But I'll try."

He headed down towards the hospital. A Demon stared at him. "Hey, I know you. You're dead."

"Yes, I've heard." He grabbed the Demon and pressed a hand to his head. The Demon screamed and flashes of the past as he remembered. He remembered walking through the barn and meeting Dean for the first time, spreading his wings as proof. He remembered helping Dean and the others fight against Lucifer. The Demon dropped and two more in wheelchairs stood up but he was faster and slammed two hands to their heads. They screamed and more flashes of the past hit him. He remembered breaking Sam's wall down, kidnapping Y/N, the torture he put her through but worst of all.....the repeated rapes. He remembered giving Crowley the jar of blood, sending the souls back, and Y/N's broken mind and form as she struggled to cope. He remembered taking her to the hospital and leaving her there. The Demons dropped but his mind was on Y/N. What had he done? He turned in time to see one of the Demons attempting to flee. He appeared in front of him. "I don't think running will help you," he said and pressed a hand to hos head. He heard Dean walking towards him but all he could focus on was the disgust and self loathing he held for himself.

"Cas?"

He turned around. "I remember you. I remember everything," he said grimly.

Dean was about to open his mouth but was interrupted by Meg. "Found her."

"What?"

"Y/N. I found her."

Castiel's head snapped up.

"Then why didn't you bring her back?" Dean demanded.

"I can't. Not unless you want her dead!" Meg snapped.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"She's sick! She's lost a lot of weight and if I take her out of the hospital, it'll kill her."

"Damnit. Cas, fix Sam then we go to Y/N."

Castiel wanted to protest. He didn't want to go near her after everything but he couldn't say no. Plus, he needed to see how much damage he had caused her. 

 

 

 

Sam was strapped to a bed. A Demon watched him as a machine sent electric shocks into him. Sam shook from the shocks. "Amazing. You just take those lickin's, don't you, kid? Well, if it's meat, you can cook it. You just got to turn up the heat." He turned towards the electroshock machine, ready to turn it up but Castiel put a hand on his head to smite him. The Demon fell to the ground with his eyes burnt out.

Castiel turned off the electroshock machine and pulled off the electrodes on Sam's head and the mouth guard. "I should never have broken your wall, Sam. I'm here to make it right." He pressed two fingers to Sam's head with the intent to rebuild his wall, but nothing changed.

Sam looked up to see Lucifer in Castiel's place. "You're not real."

"Oh, Sam...I'm so sorry." 

Yet another person was suffering because of him.

 

 

 

"What the hell do you mean you can't?"

"I mean there's nothing left to rebuild."

"Why not?"

"Because it crumbled. Pieces got turned to dust by whatever's happening inside his head."

"So that's it? He's gonna be like this until his candle blows out?"

"Maybe, maybe not," Meg spoke up.

"Waddya mean?"

"I have a spell that can help him but I need time."

"And I'm supposed to trust _you?"_

"Well, the way I see it, you have a girl to find and I have a moose to save. So what's it gonna be?"

"Fine. Which hospital?"

Meg told him and to Castiel's dismay, they left to get Y/N.


	7. Chapter 7

When they got to the hospital they immediately went to reception. "I'm told you have a patient here. My sister? Her name is Y/N?"

The receptionist stared at him. "Your her brother?" Dean nodded. "She's in room 1303."

"Thanks. Let's go, Cas."

Castiel followed behind miserably. He didn't want to see her for obvious reasons. They stopped outside her room. A nurse was already inside quietly talking to her. Y/N had her back to them, her hair limp down her back. She didn't seem to respond to the nurse. The nurse sighed and walked out. She stopped when she caught sight of them. "Who are you?"

"Her brother," Dean replied.

The nurse beckoned them to follow her. She shut the door behind her. "Do you want the good news or the bad news?"

"Bad." Dean said and braced himself.

The nurse nodded and pursed her lips. "Her injuries when she was first brought in were severe but we treated them. She's refusing to eat, refusing to talk. She hasn't spoken in the last 6 months. She's lost a lot of weight and the stress of everything is taking its toll on her. We can't get her to react to anything. If she doesn't eat soon, it'll kill them both."

Both Castiel's and Dean's heads snapped up to look at her, their eyes wide at her last statement. "What do you mean _both_ of them?" Castiel asked uneasy.

"Her and the baby of course," she frowned.

"The.....baby?" Dean repeated slowly.

"Yes. She's pregnant. Didn't you know that?"

Castiel wanted to be sick. Not only had he sexually assaulted her but now she was pregnant because of it. Grief-stricken, he turned and walked away. The thoughts of her pregnant with his baby overwhelmed him. Would she keep it? It was a selfish thought but he hoped so. How was she coping? Did she even _want_ the baby? What was he going to do? How was he going to clean up his mess? Castiel vanished and reappeared in a store. The nurse said she wasn't eating so he'd give her something. Something small. He doubted she would react to his presence much. She didn't before so it should be fine. He reappeared in the room beside her. He flinched away, fully expecting her to scream or cry or tell him to get out but she did nothing. She didn't even look in his direction. "Y/N?" He called quietly. There was no answer. She just continued to stare blankly out of the window. Shame filled him and he wanted nothing more than to run away but he couldn't. He had a baby to protect now. He took a step forward and placed a slice of chocolate cake in front of her. It was her favorite and usually she would smile at the sight and eat but she barely even look in its direction. Castiel trembled as he took in the small bump where her stomach was growing. He concluded that the baby wasn't as big as it should have been because she was refusing to eat. And it pained him.

Her eyes were empty, vacant of any emotion and it left him wondering if fixing her was a possibility. He cared for her. He.....loved her. _Loved_. That was why he had taken her in the first place. He remembered being drunk on power and feeling angry that she no longer seemed to care for him the way she used to. In his twisted attempt to make her see, he had used his powers to manipulate her into submitting, not caring if it caused her pain. Now he was back to normal, he wanted nothing more than to go back and stop himself from hurting her. He just wanted her to love him the way she always had but now he could see the damage just by looking at her......he just wasn't sure if it was permanent or not. He hoped not. She was his light, his love, his everything. She had _always_ been there for him, even dropping whatever she was doing in that moment just for _him_. And she did it because she could, because she _wanted_ to. And how did he repay her kindness and love? By abusing her physically and sexually. That's how. Castiel hesitated, debating on whether to tell Dean what he had done to her or not. The older Winchesters hate and rage would be what he deserved but at the same time, he didn't want to lose whatever he had left with her. He couldn't lose access to her....or the baby. They were all he had left. He let out a shaky breath and decided not to tell Dean the truth. At least, not yet. His main concern was getting Y/N to respond and eat. How would she react to him if she did start to heal? Would she run? Would she tell the Winchesters the truth? If she did, he would just accept his punishment. He jumped when he heard Dean's voice whisper in his ear. "We need to get back to Sam and Meg. We'll come get her later."

Castiel nodded shakily. "O-okay." With one last mournful look, he left with Dean.

 


	8. Chapter 8

It was night when Dean and Cas went back to the hospital to get Y/N. Understandably, Castiel was quiet the whole time. They appeared in one of the hospital's deserted hallways. They quickly and quietly made their way through the hospital to Y/N's room. Surprisingly, Y/N was still awake and staring out of the window. The lights were out but that made things easier. They walked into her room and shut the door behind them. Dean crouched down in front of her. "Y/N? We're here to take you home." Y/N said nothing. She gave no indication she'd heard him or noticed his presence. "Y/N!" He turned to Castiel. "We don't have time for this. Grab her and let's go. I'll meet you at the car."

Castiel tried to protest as he left but was ignored. His shoulders slumped and his gaze turned to her. He crouched down in front of her, his eyes on her hands. There was a thin tube taped to her hand which was attached to a monitor. As gently as he could, he pulled the tube from her hand and dropped it. Knowing there was no point in waiting for her to get up, he sighed and reluctantly bent down to pick her up. As he turned to leave, he noticed the slice of cake on the window sill, still uneaten. He picked it up as he went past and carried her out of the room. He was scared at how light she was in his arms, as if she weighed nothing and silently promised to himself that he would get her to eat. He put her in the car and they left to get Sam. The silence was deafening for both men and Castiel watched on in guilt as Dean tried to get Y/N to talk to them. In the end, the older Winchester gave up.

When they made it back to the hospital, they were shocked to find Sam up and back to normal again. Sam's eyes lit up and he smiled at the sight of Dean and Y/N. But his happiness was short lived at the sight of Y/N. He looked at both men questioningly but Dean just shrugged and Castiel looked away in shame.

 

 

For the next few months, life was hard. They tried hard to get Y/N to talk to them and to eat but she refused. It hurt them to see her that way but they didn't know what to do. They often left her in the care of Castiel since they still needed to hunt and find a way to kill the Leviathan. During these times, Castiel would watch over her silently. Although she still wouldn't speak, he was happy when she ate something. He noticed she would only eat if she was fed by someone else. This was the Angels main job. Her stomach slowly got bigger in time and Castiel found himself wanting to touch her in any way but he never dared to. He would hold her hair back when she was sick in the toilet, he would run her baths for her and help her in and wash her. He would help her get dressed and although it gave him things to do, his heart would break more and more each time.

At 9 months, she was due anytime. Castiel couldn't help but hover over her protectively. He might have forced this on her but nevertheless, it was still his baby inside her and he would do anything within his power to keep them both safe. It was noon when it happened. Castiel was in the middle of feeding her when her water broke. Castiel's eyes widened at the sight and he called out to the brothers, who were researching. "Sam! Dean! I need help." Footsteps echoed around the room as they ran in, weapons drawn just in case. As soon as they realized there was no threat, they ran to help him.

"We should take her to the hospital," Sam said quickly.

"No. We should do it here," Dean disagreed. Sam gave him an incredulous look. "If we go back to the hospital, how are we gonna explain her disappearance to them?"

Sam sighed. "Okay, fine."

They laid her on the bed and pulled her underwear down. They pushed her legs apart and waited. Y/N cried out in pain as she withered around on the bed, causing Castiel to hold her down. "Push, Y/N. Push."

Y/N let out a scream, her fingers gripping tightly to the sheet on the bed. Pain was all she felt. Tears rolled down her cheeks as her body continued to push. There was a loud wail as she gave one last push and fell back against the bed in exhaustion. Sam picked up the baby carefully and wrapped it up in a clean towel. The baby cried so Sam tried to give the baby to Y/N. They frowned when she pushed his hand away and moved to lay on her side, her back to them. "Y/N? Don't you wanna hold the baby? It's a girl," Sam murmured, holding her out. But Y/N ignored him. Castiel's heart sank. Maybe she wasn't rejecting the baby. Maybe she was just tired and needed to rest. Yes, that had to be it. Y/N would never reject her own child.

He held his hands out at Sam. "Sam, I'll take her."

Without question, he handed the baby to Castiel who looked down at her in adoration. She had Y/N's dark hair and his blue eyes. He knew her eyes would stay that color.

"What do we do? How are we supposed to feed her when Y/N's like this? She's in no condition to feed her let alone care for her."

"Give her time, Dean. I'm sure she'll come around," Sam defended.

Dean huffed and left the room. Sam followed behind him. Castiel sat on the bed beside Y/N, cradling their daughter. His smile faded into a sad one as he glanced at Y/N. He had hoped that the baby would be able to bring a part of her back but it didn't look like that was going to happen. He picked up her hand and guided it to the baby. He frowned when she attempted to pull it back. "Y/N, wouldn't you like to name her?" He tried. She didn't respond. "She's beautiful, just like her mother. Why don't you just look at her?"

Y/N ignored him. He got up and walked around the bedside. He held the baby out to her but just pushed his arms away and turned her back on him. A tear slipped down his cheek. "So your really gonna reject the baby?" He whispered brokenly. Unsurprisingly, he got no answer. Heartbroken, he left the room with the baby, knowing she would need to be fed another way. Y/N obviously wasn't going to feed her. He took the baby, leaving Y/N alone in the room. She slowly drifted off to sleep, unaware of the inner turmoil and heartbreak Castiel was dealing with.


	9. Chapter 9

For the next few days, they tried everything to get Y/N to hold the baby or even just look at it but each time they tried, she would just turn her back on them. It both pained them and frustrated them. Only Castiel understood what she was going through and why she was acting the way she was. She was broken and hurting more than any of them. As the brothers taught Castiel to look after the baby, he slowly got into a routine, which was just as well as they still needed to hunt. A week after the baby was born, Castiel was left alone with them for the first time. He laid the baby down in her crib after feeding her and went to find Y/N. The only good thing it seemed, was that she was more aware of what was going on than before. He found her in her room. "Y/N? The baby is asleep now. Would you like to come out and see her?'

Silence.

"Please, Y/N. If you want to punish anyone then punish me. Not our baby. She needs her mother and she's suffering without you. Please don't punish her for what I did," he begged." But Y/N didn't move and Castiel was forced to give up. He walked out of her room and leaned over the baby's crib. A tear slid down his cheek and a sob tore itself from his throat. "I'm sorry your mother rejected you," he told the baby. "But you can't be mad at her. It's my fault. She's like this because of me. I hurt her so badly and I don't know if I can help her. I know you don't deserve this and you want your mother but right now, she's not in the right state to have a bond with you. But I'm here and I love you. Daddy loves you."

The Baby cooed, having woken up when he sat down and stared up at him innocently.

Castiel's head snapped up when he heard a loud crash that sounded like it came from Y/N's room. He got to his feet and ran to her room. Terror overwhelmed him when he peered around the door and caught sight of her. She was standing in front of a mirror, a shard of glass in her hand. Her arms were covered in blood and blood was dripping on the carpet. He gasped as she raised the shard high in the air, ready to plunge it into her neck and lunged at her, tackling her to the ground. He wrestled the glass out of her hand, not realizing he had her pinned down until she moved her head to look away. As soon as he realized their position, he panicked and threw himself off of her. The urge to leave the room was strong but he couldn't leave her like that. She pushed herself onto her stomach and attempted to crawl away but the broken glass cut into her skin and arms. Blood smeared on the floor and Castiel could see she was trying to crawl out of the room but was obviously struggling.

He stepped over the glass and gently wrapped his arms around her stomach and lifted her up. He moved to sit on the bed and made it so she was sitting on his lap. He knew he had to be extra careful and gentle with her lest she break further. She tried to push herself out of his arms but he tightened his grip. He rocked her back and forth, his cheek resting on top of her head, his eyes closed. "I am so, so sorry," he whispered and kissed her on her head. "I would give anything to take back what I did. I hurt you so badly and I'll never be able to make it up to you but I promise you now, It'll never happen again. I'll always be there for you and I'll never leave you alone," he vowed. He may not have gotten an answer but that didn't bother him in the slightest. She was letting him touch her. She was LETTING him hold her and that was enough for him.


End file.
